The Alpha Wolf
I might have mentioned before that I’m currently re-reading ‘The Chimp Paradox’ by Steve Peters. I’m still fervently of the opinion that everyone should read this in their early 20’s and maybe they should actually have it on the curriculum for teenagers. It makes sense of the world in such a way that it would take an awful lot of stress and anxiety out of growing up.
One of the sections of the book that fascinates me is the one on ‘Alpha Wolves’. Most often men, those of this mindset are at the top of the apex predator scale. It’s ‘their’ world, they use people to get on themselves, show zero tolerance, have a singular opinion and meet challenges with aggression. Errors aren’t admitted, or at best given lip service. We’ve all worked for them, and I dare say that a number of you do today.
It can be easy for a coach to suggest that the power actually rests with you, and you can get out of that toxic environment by getting another job. But we know that it isn’t that easy at all, perhaps moreso than ever right now. The job market is collapsing, and we really should be glad just to have one. And what if you are in a vocation which you fundamentally love? I worked for a number of Alpha wolves over my policing career and they did immense damage to my self esteem. But the job was bigger for me, and so I continued to suck it up.
Now, I counter this with the understanding that I wasn’t perfect, and by no means the model employee. I’m different, I think differently and see things differently. I don’t know why - I just do. This would sometimes lead to clashes with the Alphas, which wasn’t a pleasant experience. I was what I’d today describe as ‘disruptive talent’. But I tried hard to change and develop. What was frustrating was that there was apparently no need or requirement for the Alphas to do this, despite the damage they were causing.
Is there anything you can do about this? After a few years out in the commercial world, I’ve come to the conclusion the answer is probably ‘nothing’. So we have to turn to the wisdom of Obi-Wan Kenobi;
“You can’t win, but there are alternatives to fighting”
This is where Steve Peters really helps. He outlines a really good strategy for developing yourself as a human, and bringing out the best in you;
Managing your chimp and remove the gremlins
Communicate Effectively
Have the right people around you
Create a world for yourself to live in
Look after yourself
Get quality in your life.
One of the big ones in there is having the right people around you. Alpha-dominants clearly don’t fit that brief, so you have to find tactics to minimise your contact with them. Whilst you are creating that world in which you live in, they are effectively places on the map where you don’t go without your armour on, and sufficient reinforcements. Much like a military patrol into hostile territory, you have to meticulously plan your incursion. identify your way in, a sketch what the interaction will look like and how to get out! And when you have returned to base, part of looking after yourself is an effective self-debrief. How do you feel? What did you learn for the next time you have to go up against them, and what do you need to record? The last bit is quite sad, but if things persist with the individual’s behaviour, at what point does it effectively tip over to bullying? Not that bullying is something that is easy to prove, especially if there is a troop of Alphas running the place. But even so, it is important even for your own counsel that you make a note.
Talking to someone else about your approach, especially an independent coach, can help develop your strategy and tactics. They will fire back that bit of challenge that you need too. There will be things you most definitely need to change about yourself, and its important that you accept that. but they will also give you a sandbox in which you to run your battle plan, and also help build that bigger perspective around the other points on Steve Peters’ planning list.
It is a real epiphany when we realise we actually have more control of our world than was at first apparent. When dealing with alpha wolves, it really is a case of understanding the topography of the landscape they prowl in. After all, you wouldn’t want to run into a real wolf in the forest, would you? You’d speak to the locals, and find out the places to avoid and the safest route to take. They may still dominate the ground, but proceed with skill, calmness and care and you’ll survive. And all the time, by developing yourself, and creating a better world to live in, you will grow and thrive.
Is there any hope for the Alphas? Maybe if they read the Chimp Paradox. On page 146 there is an exercise where we are invited to consider our impact on others. Do we build them up, or knock them down? Do we energise, or sap the life out of people? It is a process that needs honesty and energy, and a will to change. And that is something we can’t control in anyone other than ourselves.
Derek Flint Cert.Ed., MCIPR
Peters (2012), The Chimp Paradox. Vermillion (Random House), London.